Slip of the mind
by KHwhitelion
Summary: What started as a simple exercise goes awry when Charles accidentally exposes Erik to a portion of his mind not even he was aware of, and shatters them both to the core.


**Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: First Class.**

**Now that that's out of the way: ****this fic is actually a co-written story done by a friend and I back in the summer. I played Charles and she played Erik. (she doesn't have an account.) We both had a lot of fun with it, and after having it sit on my computer collecting dust for months, I decided to unearth it and post it.**

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><p>From the moment they'd met, Charles Xavier knew his friend had it in him to be something great. His gift, vast and extraordinary, and his mind, hardened by pain yet still soft from years spent cherishing so little, so close, convinced the young telepath that Erik Lehnsherr possessed the kind of strength most men could but dream of. Even he, with his mind tricks and mental communication, paled in comparison to the opportunities lying at his friend's feet. To possess a mind over metal...the possibilities were endless.<p>

So WHY Erik insisted on pursuing such trivial challenges continued to baffle him.

"I can't do it, Erik." Charles confessed, face twitching in discomfort at the gun pressed in his hand. "I can't shoot anybody point blank."

A wild grin melted right off the taller mutant's face, frustrated. The telepath had been so set on training them all and still he hesitated. Had Erik not known the any better he'd wonder if maybe his companion wasn't quite cut out for this.

Still, this reluctance was not going to sit well with him. "Oh, come on! You know I can deflect it and you're always telling me I should push myself!" Erik tried to hold the gun back into position, hoping in vain that perhaps encourage his friend to just go along with it.

Because really, this was not just ridiculous... it was nearly an insult.

Insult to some, but foolhardy to others; tearing his arm from his friend's grip, a scowl crossed Charles' face. "If you know you can deflect it" he began, frustration gleaming behind his eyes, "then you're not challenging yourself!" His voice rose on the last word-higher than he would've liked-but it was just so...infuriating at times, to watch Erik behave like this. To engage in trivial tasks simply to prove...to prove what? What did Erik so desperately want to prove?

What did he NEED to prove?

With such a gift, one needn't partake in such simple exercises and label them "challenges." Nevermind he couldn't shoot his friend….what Charles wanted to see from the older man was that….that SPARK. That fiery determination propelling him forward, even at risk of REAL, uncontrolled death, in order to attain his goal.

That was the man Charles wanted.

A man willing to push himself to and PAST his limits.

A man he KNEW Erik could be.

If only he'd stop being so stubborn!

With a curt exhale, the younger man's forehead crease deepened. "Whatever happened to the man who was….who was trying to raise a submarine?" He asked, adding a hand gesture as a symbolic means to jog his friend's memory.

What had happened indeed. Though he was in fact still annoyed with Charles, very much of his disappointment, his exasperation was aimed solely on himself. If it showed as he began to speak but stopped, looking away from the smaller man and taking back the still unfired gun.

It was not as though the man hadn't been berating himself over this as well, surely the ever-perceptive Charles himself needed for for Erik to confess this. But it just wasn't there. Or it was, it was there... that motivation. That drive. That...

Another agonized scowl painted his normally stoic features.

As usual, Charles just HAD to be right. With so much on the lines- their existence and his long-sought revenge itself- one would think all that rage would be more than enough!

But alas...

"Iii can't," The man began, his voice carrying more desperation than he would've wanted Charles to hear from him, "Something that big? I need the anger, the-"

"No." Charles cut it, head bobbing from side to side in disagreement. "The anger's not enough."

Erik's expression flattened, his brow furrowed. And just what would he know?

"What's gotten the job done all this time?"

If he weren't trying to prove a point, Charles would've stared—blatantly, openly, incredibly. "What's gotten the…." Did he REALLY have the nerve to ask it like some obvious question? Did he realize just how dangerous he'd been living life until this moment?

Apparently not. And while the young telepath had half a mind to tell him off….Erik never WOULD realize his error unless someone showed him otherwise.

But to make him understand….

Several lines crawled back from Charles' face, impatience in his eyes washed away now by something almost resembling concern. "It's nearly gotten you KILLED all this time." He said simply, tone, too, losing its edge. Erik had to understand….he HAD to….

…..and now Charles WAS staring. Quietly.

Awkwardly.

At Erik.

"Aahh…."

Quickly his eyes dove away, searching the courtyard now for….what were they searching for….?...Oh. Oh of course.

Shaking himself from….whatever that was….Charles gestured with his head towards the side, stepping away from Erik with a "Here, come here…." And tapping him on the arm for further….emphasis….?

Right…..that must be it.

"Let's try something a bit more challenging."

Erik stared intently at his friend's retreating back for a moment before starting to follow. Erik had _wanted_ to argue his own case when... THAT happened.

What it was now, Erik couldn't be sure but somewhere deep in those normally collected, certain eyes something had been switched on inside Charles' head. Erik didn't know what to make of it, but apparently Charles himself had been taken aback by whatever it might've been.

Intrigued by both Charles' sudden change and mood and his incoming challenge, Erik remained focused on the man's back.

But just what on earth could have caused that? The loss of nerve had been embarrassingly obvious and his concern just as plain. Wanting them all to rise to the occasion was one matter, and a colossal one at that, but whatever had driven Charles to speak those words the WAY they were spoken had absolutely nothing to do with their overall goal.

Erik didn't need telepathy to know that much.

The telepath himself, however, had not once looked at Erik to ensure the older man was following suite. Not that he needed to—the ground was gravel and therefore footsteps were easily heard—it was simply common courtesy to wait for your guests. Oh…but Erik wasn't a guest at all; he shouldn't have to wait on someone he knew on a more personal level…..on a _personal_ level…..

Still keeping his back to Erik, Charles stopped short, unaware his friend had passed until he noticed a large, gray-backed gap in the landscape….. Right. He'd come here for a purpose…..a challenge….there was no time for….personal conflictions….

Conflictions?

What?

Oh, but Erik was waiting for him _dammit Charles get your head out of your arse!_

The next words out of his mouth were rushed, and upon exiting the young telepath cringed. "See that?" he asked in a tone oddly full of emotion. "Try turning it to face us."

'_It,' Charles. You said 'it.' He doesn't know what you're talking about…._

His right hand, buried in his pocket, curled into a fist as he joined his friend for a moment at the iron gate and gestured quickly to a massive satellite stationed a half a mile away. No sooner had he done so, however, did the younger man again retreat, this hand, too, stuffing itself in his other pocket, fingers clenching together to match those of the opposite appendage.

Erik's face fell, though it was not the task at hand that was trying him.

Charles had always been an odd little thing but this... this went above and beyond the usual quirkiness Erik had grown accustomed to. An eyebrow raised, he looked from the clearly troubled young man then back at his target. He had no doubt in his mind that he could turn the massive satellite as instructed...

... if he wasn't now so unfocused.

Erik reached out his hands, eyes set dead ahead on the object. However, the man's dark piercing eyes were glazed over in thought.

What on Earth had Charles behaving so strangely? His discomfort began rubbing off on him. _Damnit it, Charles, what the hell are you trying to pull here! Deep breathes, Erik, deep..._

His voice had a small but note-worthy quiver when he spoke, he form tense, and Charles was clearly spacing out as much as Erik himself was at this very moment.

How were they ever going to make any progress with this... distraction!

Whatever it even _was_.

Erik abruptly slumped over, no longer able to maintain what little focus he had to begin with. He gasped for air, hands clenching his knees. Damn it... just...

Apparently Charles had been right. Rage wasn't enough. There Erik was, damned near livid and he had barely managed to move that blasted satellite a mere foot...

The older man's fury radiated like the sun off a desert sand, so strong and evident Charles needn't look into his mind in order to feel its presence. Such an angry man…..it really was a pity. Not that Erik hadn't a reason to be angry—if Charles had grown up under such horrid oppression, he held little doubt he, too, would have developed a dark, festering undertone in his heart. To see such an ugly side of humanity and—not only survive but still be able to hold up your head and face the world—was a truly remarkable feat.

And Erik, for all that wrath against the world and its wrongdoings, was a truly remarkable man.

Wait.

Was he _smiling?_

Instantly, the telepath's face dropped, and with it, his head, an air of confusion settling on his shoulders. Why on _earth_ was he just-?

_No, Charles, don't think about that….you're here because Erik needs you—your guidance—help and this isn't doing any good! Pay attention!_

Pay attention….attention to what, exactly?

_For starters, how about his anger?_

Oh. Yes. That.

With a slow, silent exhale, Charles tilted his gaze towards the sky, squinting from the glare of the overhead sun. Such a wondrous thing it was. So beautiful from afar….but should one view it up close….

"You know…." The younger man started, an idea building in his head with each word he spoke. "I believe true focus lies somewhere between rage and serenity."

Still catching his breath, Erik stared at him with an almost desperate look in his eyes. Odd though that choice of words was to him, Charles seemed to have a pretty good grasp on matters like this. Playing to one's strengths. Even without that wonderful little ability of his he seemed to just know exactly what those strengths were.

...

... what was with that smile just now?

In all his jumbled thoughts he had nearly missed it but just now... what on earth had HIM grinning so giddy as a school girl? True he had only caught a split second of it before the other man seemed to regain composure but Erik with all he had seen from Charles today was again perplexed. As badly, as DESPERATELY as Erik wanted to better himself for the war ahead of them, he was beginning to almost want to swap abilities with Charles... JUST to find out just what was so damned pleasing to this man!

Still catching his breath though, the taller mutant just stared impatiently.

_'Either tell me what's the matter with you Charles, otherwise just elaborate so we can proceed already. This is becoming ridiculous.'_

Charles nearly flinched, so caught off guard was he by this unexpected mental confrontation. That was supposed to be _his _job. _'Nothing, Erik.' _He responded-perhaps a bit TOO quickly for his liking but there was very little he could do about that now. As it was, he was having the damndest time trying to keep his eyes on his friend without dwelling on whatever it was that had had him so cheery a moment ago….

'_I think…it's best we get back on track, like you said.'_

Erik's face fell. Damn, there he had been just thinking about it and already he had forgotten what Charles had the power to do. Still, Erik supposed that it was in fact a good thing his friend caught that. No more messing around that way.

...

Or perhaps that was too much to hope for. Again. Yet AGAIN Charles' brilliant blue eyes had gone dreamy. The frown deepened on his face. He snapped his fingers, his voice carrying his displeasure at Charles' lack of focus. "Well? Enlighten me, Professor X," Erik began, mocking the nickname bestowed on him by their 'team'. "Just what IS the point between rage and serenity? Right now I find myself stuck at the _first_ point..."

Again, his body fought the urge to jump as Erik pulled him from his thoughts a second time. "The….the point between….?" That was a very good question, and had he not been so distracted with he didn't even KNOW what, Charles might have had an answer for the German man. Sadly, this was not the case, as his own thoughts continued to fog any focus he'd earlier possessed.

Hold on a moment.

Thoughts?

….And just like that, he'd found his answer; the missing link to his haphazard explanation. Donning a confident air, sea blue met stormy cerulean, personal conflictions set aside as "Professor X" dictated his "thesis" to his impatient companion. "I can't actually explain in a verbal sense. But I _can_ show you." Raising his left hand, he twiddled his fingers by the side of his head. "Mind if I….?"

Erik just stared. Part of him wanted to decline, even giving a slight negative shake of his head but given what came next, it was perhaps a bit too slight.

Candles... the area was otherwise pitch black without them. Though his eyes never left Charles, it was almost as though Charles Xavier was no longer there. No... it was just him... a much younger him but there was Erik nonetheless, young, small... but not alone.

Erik lost his breath again. Her... there, her face lit only by the crimson glow of the embers before them. A face he longed to see smile for him again. A face belonging to someone he so desperately wanted to avenge. A kind, gentle face that was beautiful no matter how aged it was...

Charles was no stranger to Erik's mind—upon first encounter, he'd given himself a private tour to ensure he could trust the man—nor was he unfamiliar with accessing pieces of the human memory system. But this….this threw even a telepath like Charles for a heartwarming loop. The ambience of the small room….simple, subtle decoration, the soft glow of the candles….and that face. He'd seen that face before….but never like this. Here, now, it was filled with peace. Serenity. Gazing at the young Erik with such affection Charles' own heart melted a little in his chest. Such a pure, innocent memory…. a _beautiful_ memory….a memory that captured the very essence of the good he'd known to lurk within his friend. That elusive kindness that had first drawn him to the older ….

….

….

Drawn him to…..?

_What_?

Erik's calming trip down memory lane was cut short by what could only be described as... a disturbance. In the midst of Erik's own joy, it felt as though an outside source of happiness had been mingled into his own.

Admiration... awe... excitement...

But there was more. Oh so much more and as all of it sunk in, Erik's panting started up again.

_'What are you doing to me...?'_

Fear... worry... concern...

It just never ended. In the rush of these frenzied emotion, one in particular caught Erik's attention or rather... took over all of his senses. It might've been remarkable if it hadn't been just so out of the blue and damned near terrifying to him. It was like so many things at once, all the previous emotions all just barely contained in one. One he had never known himself but was unmistakable now that he was feeling it, albeit from an outside source.

Desire... need...

_'What are you DOING to me!'_

... love...?

"G-gaah!"

He was out of there so fast he didn't have time to gently break the connection: jerking his thoughts out of Erik's mind with such a force it sent him physically stumbling back several paces.

_Holy shit._

Eyes wide as saucers, Charles gaped at the other man, features stricken in a kind of frenzied panic.

_Holy shit._

His mouth opened, but nothing save for a pitiful gasp passed through his lips.

_Holy shit._

What did he just_ do_?

Erik's hands were now firmly latched onto the sides of his head, his eyes wide and his face as a whole... well, to say he was shocked out of his mind would fit the bill almost too well.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!" The German mutant barked, storming up to the petrified Charles. It was hard to tell just which he felt more- rage or horror. To be ripped from serenity and be put through... through... what the hell WAS that!

Frozen. That was the only way to properly describe his current state. Eyes, ears….sights, sounds….everything stopped cold when he met the disturbing expression hovering only inches from his own face. What did he do…._what did he do?_

"I don't….I don't I don't know!" Charles sputtered, his words breaking the ice and giving way to a sudden, horrible shiver. "I don't know what that was I-I don't know I don't know!"

Erik had no idea WHAT to say right now yet somehow that mouth of his just wouldn't stop. "Why did I feel all of that! Why-" He stopped, trying to compose himself with little to no success. Having no control over it, he continued to rave madly.

"You MUST know, Charles! It wouldn't have happened if not for you! Was... Were..."

_No... it _can't_ be... it couldn't...!_

Erik's face contorted into pure, unmasked horror as his own dark orbs locked with Charles' frightened bright ones. The vengeful older man dreaded the answer but the question was soon asked anyway:

"Were those all from YOU, Charles?"

If the answer was yes... then it would all make much more sense than Erik would have ever wanted.

Were those….were those all from….?

Charles continued to stare with saucer-sized eyes, chest throbbing each time his heart threw itself against his ribs.

No…that….what he'd felt then….that….that couldn't have been his _own _doing…..he….he didn't….he wasn't….

_Was _he?

_No that's….that's ridiculous….I don't…..not like that….I don't care for Erik like THAT!_

But even as he thought the words, a small, subtle, so-insignificant-one-needed-to-squint-to-see-it piece of doubt tugged at his troubled mind, pulling out bits of the recent past Charles REALLY would rather bury and be done with.

_You said you wanted him._

_I-I wanted him to improve!_

_You were openly staring._

_I was lost in thought!_

_You were DRAWN to him._

_As an individual! Not….not as a….!_

_You care for him._

"NO I DON'T!" Charles screamed, angry German forgotten as he clutched his hands to his head, fingers digging into his scalp. "Not like that….not like that….not like that…."

So it was true.

Erik shook his head in disbelief, his jaw hanging open with no words leaving his mouth anymore. He looked back to his distraught friend who...

His friend Charles who was... in love with him.

Charles Xavier was in love with him.

Another MAN was in love with him!

His best FRIEND was in LOVE with HIM.

No matter how he put it in his head it just wouldn't register. It just couldn't BE. The Charles Erik knew was sensible, albeit a little quirky. The man Erik knew...

Well what did he even know anymore?

Charles was in love with him... and looking at him now, as horrified as Erik himself and clinging so desperately to a denial that was so eager to break away from him. To live with a truth so unfortunate.

Erik began to back away, yelling again without any traces of anger left in his voice, "Who are you trying to convince, Charles! You're failing regardless!"

Erik's voice broke, "How did this HAPPEN?"

Please let this somehow be a mistake...

The words thrust painfully into the smaller man's ears, digging their way through his ear drums and down to his heart, unlatching the rapidly beating organ and leaving it to plummet down to his stomach. His already alarmed features twisted further, mind screaming again and again that _it wasn't true. _He wasn't in _denial; _there was nothing _to _deny….nor was there need for any convincing….

….that would imply he'd done something wrong….something _shameful_ and-and he had nothing to be ashamed of, DID he? No….no no no there was NO reason to feel shame because Erik was _wrong…._

He _didn't_ care for him that way….he didn't _he didn't_ _he __**didn't**_….

A tremor swept through Charles' already shaking shoulders, fingernails leaving pinpricks of pain as they dug further into his skull; clumps of hair dangling around his hands and falling into his eyes. He didn't notice his body curling forwards, nor was he aware of the panic rolling off his breath as he told himself over and over and _over_ that it wasn't true….it wasn't true….it _wasn't..._

In his life Erik had seen many horrible things. Many, many, many horrible, unspeakable things where the very thought of them paralyzed him with pain, anger, guilt. They were so heart-wrenching that any attempt at thinking of them ended with him needing to just drop the subject from his mind entirely. Murder, torture, hate and fear and sickness left and right all around him. One would think that after enduring such sights, Erik might have an idea of what to do in a much smaller dilemma such as this.

But something about this sight was just AS terrifying as all of it on a much different scale. Charles Xavier who jumped into the ocean itself to save and prevent Erik from his own fatal error. Charles Xavier ready to take on entire armies for the greater good. Charles Xavier...

Broken and collapsing on himself...

... because of the feelings that Charles Xavier harbored for HIM.

And as best friends, how had Erik dealt with it? Why...

He added to the suffering. Yelled at him as though to reprimand him for some atrocious crime.

What could he do? The smaller man, still utterly Hell-bent on erasing his own mind and heart to rid himself of this affection for Erik, was his best friend... but they were both men. Society did not smile on that in these times. No more than they did on mutants or anyone else who steps outside the norm. But, Charles... Charles hadn't stepped at all.

The poor thing had fallen. Hard by the looks of it.

Erik continued to watch as Charles' fingers dug into his scalp, the words still all but escaping him. He couldn't MOVE, he couldn't THINK... And what did HE feel?

Right now... he was afraid. Maybe almost as much as the crouching telepath himself.

Erik spun on his heel to face the other way, now grabbing his own head. He shouted, wailed his frustrations, "Shit, SHIT! Charles, would you just STOP IT!"

For the second time, the younger man's form went rigid and that train wreck of thought veered to the side, screeching to a startling halt as Charles' head shot up; hair untangling further as his hands, still tense and stationary, raked through his dark locks, leaving the young man with a frenzied, almost _mad_, look to him. He bored into Erik's back with terrified eyes, unable to process much less interpret just _what _the other man wanted to _stop_.

His mouth opened—though he was nowhere near prepared for an inquiry—but words failed him and all that came out was a wobbly "A—ahh…."

Erik continued to stare, actually quite amazed that he managed to get his friend to stop. What had he wanted though?

It was too much. The German could only think of one thing to do. He needed to think. He needed to get away from here, away from Charles.

"I, uh... I think we're done here."

If Charles had held even the slightest subtle inkling of hope when his friend cried out, it would have shattered and died like a gunshot to the chest. And that would have really. Really. _Hurt._

IF he'd held any hope.

IF he cared.

But he didn't….not that way….and therefore it _couldn't_ hurt. It _couldn't _tear at his insides, sawing through each heartstring enough to sting but not sever….it _couldn't_ blur his vision….couldn't make him….

This time his mouth stayed closed, watching helplessly as Erik backed away, wanting yet not wanting to call him back….ask him to wait and tell him to leave all at once….

Wishing he'd understand….but pleading he never _did_.

"A….alright…." the telepath croaked, such confliction….such rawness in his voice he took himself by surprise.

If he DIDN'T care….

If it DIDN'T hurt...

…_..then why was he so miserable?_

The throatiness in his friend's response alone made something within Erik himself snap. Perhaps one of his OWN heart strings.

There Charles was lowered before him undoubtedly feeling lower stiff. He wasn't crying...

Yet...

But Erik had the feeling that if-no, when he left... there would be nothing holding the normally optimistic young man together. Nothing to hold him back from pure release of those damning feelings he had.

That should have motivated the German to leave.

Except... he didn't WANT Charles to cry. He didn't want Charles to be alone. He didn't want to abandon his friend for this. For feeling this way... for being different.

Would that not make him every bit a monster as the very people of the world he wanted to annihilate? To cast away a friendship, a brotherly bond with the man he had grown to admire and respect so much. A friend to him from the start and one of... no, the first one in this judgmental world that had ever offered him help, support, a home. Someone who had revealed to him the very point between rage and serenity the moment their emotions intertwined and-

... Oh no...

_Oh, no... oh no, no... NO..._

_You make an adorable lab rat, Charles._

Erik chuckled fondly when the bright-eyed genius so clearly protested anything to be done onto his beloved hair. How Charles himself couldn't imagine the good-looking without his messy mane.

Remembered his decision to stay. Though naive and ridiculously hopeful Charles was, he never could shake the feeling that maybe together they could bring about something brilliant. Charles and he... together... together...

Remembered his concern, mere minutes ago when Charles began acting just so uncomfortable. Erik's worry that maybe he had truly upset his friend with his eager challenge.

Remembered that moment when the child in his memory smile... how that smile broadened when Erik's own thoughts and emotions mingled with his memory. How that child's eyes brightened and outshone the candles .

Erik's eyes widened. "Oh no, no. Nooo, no. I... I've got to go..."

He didn't move.

Why didn't he move?

Didn't he….want to get away? From him—from _this?_

Twice now he said it….so why….

Why was he still in place?

Why didn't he just _go?_

"Then w-why _don't_ you?" Charles murmured bitterly, partially at Erik but more so with at himself. He didn't WANT the other man to leave but hated that he didn't which only made him wish he WOULD and that increased his own self-loathing and _he should've kept his damned thoughts to himself! _

If he'd just….if he'd just stayed out of his friend's head….none of this would have happened….

The younger man continued to stare at Erik with a half-broken gaze, anger replacing the terror on his face as his mind continued playing guessing games with his unanswered question.

It wasn't until his accursed inner reasoning dug up "internal conflict" that Charles _finally_ noticed the German's change in demeanor.

And what he saw kicked his heart into his throat.

That _look_….

Why was Erik giving him that look?

What was he thinking?

His fingers twitched; tempted to dig into his friend's mind and unearth the answer for himself….

….no….no no no he couldn't do that….had he learned nothing? Entering the other man's thoughts while his own were still very much….conflic—_disorganized—_was the very LAST thing he should do right now….

….but that _look…._

He didn't want to ask him. He really REALLY did not want to….but the words left his mouth anyway, each one slower and shakier than the last but ALL full of uncertainty and trepidation. "E-Erik...why….why are you looking at me….like that?"

Oh, no. No, no, NO way in hell was he telling Charles any of this. Sure the mind-reader could very easily find out if he wanted to but by the looks of things and given what Erik knew of him (all of which he doubted now) it didn't seem likely that Charles had any desire to be in his mind. Not after this. Not after this... this... catastrophe.

A catastrophe worsened as Erik began quietly piecing himself together before he wound up in the same state as his apparent admirer. It was easier said than done but even with the look of pure mortification on his face he seemed to have the man across from him guessing.

Which he'd best stop.

For BOTH of their good.

And so should Erik, the man himself decided.

Stop trying to guess what had triggered those memories and to see them in such a new, unnerving light. Stop trying to figure out that strange squirming, writhing, craving inside of him. Stop wondering how long Charles has been feeling this way. Stop wondering why HE was now beginning to realize his own feelings and wondering why, why, WHY at the very climax of their lives this had to happen. Just as things were falling into place for them both, just as they were well on their way to fighting the fight of their lives for a great good they had to begin this war within themselves. Why they had to lose so shamefully.

No. Charles was losing. Charles had lost and it was a shame. It was painful to behold and Erik pitied him.

But Erik... Erik was stronger. Wiser. More powerful than Charles. His fight was still strong despite this little break.

And Erik would not be giving in.

Still shaken, the German removed his hands from either side of his head, his eyes locking with glassy eyes of his belo-best friend. Uncertainty and sureness battled within him every time their eyes met but only now was Erik unfortunate enough to become aware of said battle. Jaw clenched, he shut his eyes and shook his head. No. He was not going down like this. There were much more important things to be dealt with right now and even without his long-waited revenge so close he could taste it...

He was not gay.

Maybe Charles was. Maybe Charles was gay.

Erik Lehnsherr was not. Would never be.

Cerulean eyes became hard as they bore once again into their 'opponents'. "I just can't wrap my head around it... how weak you truly are. To have let this happen. And how selfish you are for you letting it affect me like it just did." He turned away swiftly and started to walk away. "Maybe I'm not the one in need of this training after all. We're done here, Charles."

_SNAP_ went his composure…his restraint….his _control_; tears sliding down his face at such a rate Charles wasn't even aware he was crying until his eyes burned with a salty sting.

But once he started, he couldn't stop. Every thought, every emotion that had plagued him for the past several minutes tumbled out of him, giving voice to his silent sobs and volume to his pain. His hair, already disheveled, clung to his face while his arms hugged his body in a feeble means of self-support before he lost himself in despair.

Erik was right.

He _was _weak. Weak and desperate and so damned _pitiful_ he wanted to _die_. Bury himself and this vile, sickening _feeling_….this..._love_….he held for the man responsible for his bleeding heart. His tears….his agony.

He loved Erik Lehnsherr.

He loved another _man_.

He loved his best friend.

And nothing, no matter how badly he wished for it, would change that.

The tears fell and fell hard, as did the man so generously oozing them. Erik only quickened his pace, his head low and his eyes shut. H had no idea where he was going, where his feet were guiding him. Nor did he care so long as they paid no heat to his heart. He didn't want to stand before a shattered Charles Xavier. Erik, no matter how nose-deep in denial he was he did not want to behold his 'handiwork'.

Oh shit... what had he done!

Just, why, Erik. Why had you felt the need the need to be so brutal with him? It, it's not as though Charles had ever given off an all that strong vibe... nor did he give off such a fragile one yet look and see he had been just that. Shattered. Crushed. Broken. Chewed up, spit out by his own friend. Abandoned. And what else?

LEFT. ALONE. TO CRY.

No, no, do NOT get do damned sentimental now! If you go back... no. You're not going back, he told himself. He couldn't. For if Erik were to go back he would apologize. Erik would probably fail as he tried to right his wrong and comfort the boyish professor. Would wind up doing whatever it took to fix things... even tell the truth.

But the truth would do nothing to set either of them free.

Besides... this couldn't be LOVE that he was feeling! Charles was surely just mixed up, having never had many friends aside from Raven. Yes, of course. Something like that would lead to such an... awkward mix-up. Charles was a smart man. He'd come to his senses soon. As would Erik. Things would heal from there.

Yes. It would all be just fine. Perfectly fine.

* * *

><p><strong>This is a one-shot; it will not be finished unless I decide to go solo and write the rest, which is unlikely.<strong>

**Also, the first few lines of this fic are from the film itself-of which we claim no ownership over.**


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